I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
