I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
