I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
