I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
