My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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