I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
