have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
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