Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
