my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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