HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
