The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
