I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
