you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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