Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
