Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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