ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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