naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
