i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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