I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
