I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
