I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
