If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
