Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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