allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
