You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
