i will never coherently bang her
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
