how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
