im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
