Someone shit on the floor
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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