Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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