At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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