Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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