i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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