fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
