This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
