someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
