At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The adults are the big ones right?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
