I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
