what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
