3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
