I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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