Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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