some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
