shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
