She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
