we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
