Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
