I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
