omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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