you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Randomize
